"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."
— Carl Jung

What if?

What if nothing was real?
What if everything was an illusion?
What if everyone was an actor in the play of your life?
And what if each and every scenario was choreographed only for your highest good?

On some very deep level, I believe this to be the case (or at least enjoy imagining this to be true).

When someone betrays me, perhaps it's just God in disguise. When someone criticizes me, perhaps that too is God. And when someone takes something from me, what if it's just God once again? The challenge come in figuring out what we're to learn from each encounter...

Earlier this evening, after showing some friends a sneak-peak at footage from my show, two made several critiques and suggestions about my future wardrobe. They spent MANY minutes sharing every thought they could muster about what I should wear, what looks best, and what colors I should consider for the future. And I got....... well....... PISSED.

Sitting on the subway ride home, I looked around at the faces. God disguised as strangers on the train. God smiling at me. God staring at me. God ignoring me. God fighting with another passenger. All sent here to hold up a mirror - for me to see my beliefs projected outward, and a chance to undo one more limiting thought so that my life (and heart) can be lighter.

Then I saw it. God disguised as wardrobe-critiquing people: here to show me where I still seek approval, here to shed light on any remaining insecurity about my own appearance, and here to shower me with another opportunity to see where I defend and separate myself from others. (But perhaps most importantly, here to shower me with constructive wardrobe advice that I obviously needed to hear!) What a gift, what a gift, what a gift.

So what if everyone that has caused you [perceived] pain was really just God in disguise? What if it's all lovingly planned so that we each learn exactly what we've come here to learn? What if we're all surrounded by nothing but angels? What if everything you encountered was nothing but GOOD.

What if?...

What if?...

What if?...

Now what will you say next time someone cuts you off in traffic?
(Say hi for me, won't you?)

It's all about love...

Love. It's the foundation of every single thing on the planet. It's the energy that we arise from. It's our nature, our core. It's who we are without our limiting beliefs.

But are you like me? Do you sometimes find it FAR too easy to find flaws in those you love? Isn't it exhileratingly painful to cut down our partner, picking apart every single microscopic way that they appear to be "less than perfect"? I've found myself holding an emotional magnifying glass up to my partner lately, at moments only choosing to see the flaws of our connection. I make a mental list of the ways I'm not getting the love I deserve. I see him as less. And it hurts...

Then a good friend of mine, who's an amazing support in my life, was telling a tale that sounded awfully familiar. She too was holding her partner to the perfection fires, and was voicing this frustration to a woman at a recent workshop she was attending. The woman turned to her after hearing this loveless tale, and asked "But how do YOU love?"

It's SO easy to get caught up in what others should be doing for us. How they should love. What they should give. Who they should be in order for us to feel fulfilled and cherished. But it is never the act of receiving love that is deeply satisfying. Yes, it feels fleetingly fabulous, I'll agree. But the deeper, exhilerating, blissful experience of GIVING love is the true gift to ourselves and others.

Ask yourself this question: What are you doing for those you love? What are you contributing to the planet? How could you make someone's day by doing the simplest of gestures? Where is it that you've forgotten the joys of giving?

Do it. And do it for the basic fact that it FEELS good to do so.

Now go put down that critical inventory list of others, even if just for 5 minutes -- long enough to batt a smile at a stranger, or give a compliment to your sweetie. Go "love-up" someone - anyone - today. You'll be glad you did (and so will they)!

"The Work" in action

Are you ready to unravel your life? Are you ready to knock down the barriers that stand between you and deep, profound happiness?

"The Work of Byron Katie" is the most profound experience I've ever encountered. I've done a LOT of work on myself in the past 2 decades, and have encountered some amazing modalities and healers, yet nothing, not even the practice of Feng Shui, has made the same impact in my life as Katie's powerful, simple process.

I need to admit something though... for the past 1-2 years I've put this process to practice very little. I've allowed myself to get swept up in my beliefs around the excitement and newness and challenge of creating a television show. And I know that this time has been perfect, because everything is always in perfect order. But just lately I felt that inner calling to take notice of the lack of peace I'm experiencing in certain parts of my life - beliefs that are creating stress around work and love that are whispering in my ear to be gently understood, explored, and unraveled on an even deeper level.

I have personally experienced deep and profound peace in my past, for extended periods of time that were magic beyond words. I know what is possible for the human spirit. Yet like anyone else, I get lost in my beliefs now and then. I continue to find areas in my life that could use some light, some love and some compassion. And since I've found such incredible peace through Byron Katie's process, I'm here to share my own process of "The Work" with you, in hopes that you and I may both experience more peace within through the journey...

"The Work" is a series of 4 questions and a turn-around that you can apply to any single belief. This is a time to get petty, and write down your true thoughts - don't try to be spiritual or wise! Also try to write simple, short statements when trying this for yourself - it will be much easier to understand at first:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you really know that it's true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without it?
* Turn Around

So let's take a look at one of my beliefs, and applying the four questions:

MEN SHOULDN'T REJECT ME BASED SOLELY ON MY APPEARANCE.

QUESTION 1: Is it true that men shouldn't reject me?
ANSWER 1: Yes. Men shouldn't reject me based on my looks... it's painful and shallow and petty. They should love me for who I am... They should see the real me and love or leave me for THAT reason only.

QUESTION 2: Is it REALLY true that men shouldn't reject me based on looks?
ANSWER 2: Well, maybe not. What is, is. On this planet, men reject women based on looks...sometimes. It's what happens.
It feels bad inside me to dictate how the world should operate, or how someone should feel about me. It feels bossy, like I'm playing God, and I feel more like a dictator. It's unkind, arrogant, and doesn't feel like my nature.

Do I even NEED an man's approval? Would I die if I were alone? Would I crumble if a man rejected me again? I'm pretty sure I'd keep breathing.... I'm pretty sure I'd keep moving forward... My happiness isn't dependent on anything outside myself.

And can I really know that someone has ever rejected me based solely on my looks? Often times it definitely LOOKED like I was being rejected for that reason. Sometimes they even TOLD me that. But I'll never know what goes on inside someone else's head or know their true motivations... All I know is, when I have rejected someone in my past, it's been because of fear or insecurity on my part. So perhaps it's the same with some men. I can't know...

And who's business is it who they reject? Theirs. Who's business is it who I choose to "reject"? Mine. When I get into someone else's business, I hurt. I'm outside myself...and it's lonely.

So all this being said, no... I can't know that men shouldn't reject me. Maybe, just maybe, it's not true....

QUESTION 3: How do I react when I hold the belief that men shouldn't reject me for my looks?
ANSWER 3: I feel insecure. I act phony. I try to be something I'm not. I try to look a certain way, and then don't feel like myself, but rather an actress. It feels unnatural, and uncomfortable. I don't give some men the benefit of the doubt that they could actually love me for myself, or find me attractive as I am. I doubt their motives. I don't trust them when they say they love me. I hide, protect myself from rejection by not putting myself "out there". I approach men with the belief that they could hurt me, so there's usually a distancing that happens. It's lonely... fearful... untrusting.... I feel deep down that I'm not good enough as I am.

QUESTION 4: Who would I be without the thought that men shouldn't reject me based on my looks?
ANSWER 4: I'd have an open heart. I'd love them, no matter what. I'd be more compassionate, even if they reject me. I'd feel strong, secure, loving and powerful in front of a man. I'd be happy, with or without a man. I'd feel sexy, beautiful and worthy at every moment. I would feel connected, intimate and loving with all men. I wouldn't think about how I looked, but rather would be thinking about THEM instead. I wouldn't feel needy or clingy or insecure, but rather, lovingly unattached. And I'd feel GREAT about running all over town naked! (laugh)

TURN-AROUND 1: Men SHOULD reject me.
(Turn-arounds are just a way to try on the opposite of what we've been thinking. Often times, you will find that the turn-arounds are as true, if not truer, than the original belief. Also, quite often you will find more than 1 turn-around for a statement, as show below)
TURN-AROUND 1 RESPONSE: How do I know men should reject me? They do... sometimes. When I say that anything outside myself should be other than it is, I'm going to lose. ALWAYS. Things happen as they happen. When we oppose this, we get pain. Pain is a brilliant indicator that we're attached to a lie, or a belief that simply isn't true for us. In those moments, we're going against what is, and it always hurts.

And perhaps I NEEDED men to reject me based on my looks. Perhaps that's my path. Maybe that's been my opportunity to grow and find God. It has allowed me over the years to love myself and others on a deeper, less-superficial level. Through rejection, I now love people for their hearts, not their looks. I don't allow physical things to come between my connection and love for others. In hindsight, these situations have been amazing gifts that have made me who I am today -- a learning opportunity I wouldn't take back if I could, no matter how painful they were in the moment.

TURN-AROUND 2: I shouldn't reject men because of looks.
TURN-AROUND 2 RESPONSE: This belief is for ME to live, not anyone else. Our individual belief systems are OUR own unique prescriptions for happiness. It is for me to learn to love people unconditionally, not others. Every belief in my head is for ME to follow. They are my rules for happiness...period. Where can I learn to love people less superficially? How can I be a teacher to others of how to love, regardless of looks?

By taking this in deeply, and living it myself, it has brought me my wonderful boyfriend who thinks I'm the cat's meow! I'm tall, he's short. I'm more of a "yuppie" and he's got long hair and rides a motorcycle. I'm into health food, and he's into burgers and fries. Would I have been so open to our differences if it hadn't been for my perceived "rejections" by men? We'll never know...

TURN-AROUND 3: I shouldn't reject me based solely on my appearance.
TURN-AROUND 3 RESPONSE: If I don't want men to reject me, how about I try it first? I reject me (in my mind) all day long. Somehow I think it should be easy to love regardless of my looks, but I can't seem to do it with my very own self!!! How about I learn to love my looks unconditionally, and THEN go dictate this belief to all men around the planet!

I'm humbled when I see that I have everything in common with the men who have "rejected" me in the past. We BOTH can't seem to accept my looks! (smile) So let the work begin with me. Let ME learn to love ME unconditionally. And if I figure that out in this lifetime, I probably will feel so full and complete that it won't matter if EVERY person rejects me on the planet! I'll be free to love others the way I had been trying to get them to love me. It's the act of loving that feels so good, not the receiving of it. I can live as an example of unconditional love. I can finally be a true teacher...

As Katie often says... "If I had a prayer, it would be: Please God, spare me from the desire to receive love, approval or acceptance. Amen." Desiring love is painful. Giving love is where the beauty lies.

TURN-AROUND 4: My thinking shouldn't reject me based solely on my appearance.
(Replacing "my thinking" in the turn-around stage can often times be helpful. It can take the statement to another level of exploration... )
TURN-AROUND 4 RESPONSE: My thinking is the only problem in this situation. Without the thought that people should find me attractive, I am neutral... able to stand in front of them, "thoughtless", open and loving. Without my attachment to this belief, there is no pain, no suffering... just peace and love. Thoughts are neutral until I attach to them... When I believe my thoughts, I'm in pain.

There are many more levels of doing "The Work" which we can explore at another time. For more information and background on "The Work of Byron Katie", as well as a free downloadable worksheet, go to www.THEWORK.com. You can also go to YouTube and watch the many samples posted there of her process in action. Also, please write if you'd like me to send you audio samples of "The Work" - I have thousands of examples, and would be more than happy to share them with any of you...

If any of you would like to try doing "The Work", please email your writings to me. If you get stuck, just ask. And if you would be open to me posting them here, let me know. They can be a great tool for others...

With lots of love,

Stephanie

When Food is Love

It seems as if every woman I talk to has some sort of disconnect surrounding food. Heck, even some of my male friends seem to be affected as well. Whether thin or curvy, older or younger, food seems to have an interesting hold on many of our hearts. Also let me remind you that I write each and every one of these articles for myself and my own healing. I write what I'm learning about, right along side you. We're in this together, this dance through life. We're all teachers and students, often at the same time.

So, back to food.... Food is always there for us. It's always comforting. And ALWAYS delicious! Yet this is only true when we eat the amounts our bodies want, when our bodies want it. Overeating seems like a good idea in the moment, but that's only in the moment. In the long run it's more like a bad boyfriend. It promises the world, only to let you down in the end. You give up everything for him... your time, your thoughts, your body, your health only to be slapped and abused by low self-image, tight clothes, debt, spiritual starvation and a slew of weight-related health issues. So is food REALLY love? Can food ever fill our spirits, or give us a full, loving, satisfying life? I think not. But how in the world can we remember this when food seems to have such a strong pull?

I believe that we can use any challenge, struggle, or addiction as a pathway to spiritual freedom. I'm using my own struggles with food as a way to powerfully connect me to God. When I can shift my focus onto my feeling of connection, and off of food, I gain something more filling than words can describe, and less pounds on the hips in return. Finding that very personal connection to God comes in different forms, down different paths. That's for you to explore on your own.

But solely in terms of food, since it's a hard vice to avoid altogether, here are 10 tips that might be just the reminder to snap you back into reality and help you once and for all break up with that no-good lover, overeating. If you're ready to break up, try on one or more of the following, and hopefully try on a smaller dress size as well:

1. Eat when you're hungry.
The body was built perfectly to desire food when it needs it, and only then. Following your internal, natural cues is the simplest way to honor yourself , your life and your family.

2. Eat whatever your body is calling for.
Allow yourself to eat what you're desiring. Deprivation only leads to binges. As Geneen Roth so wisely says "For every diet there is an equal and opposite binge". It's one of the biggest laws of the universe. Your body is wise beyond measure - if you can learn to listen to it, it will know exactly what nutrients it needs. It may take you time to differentiate between head and body hunger: one comes from all the years of deprivation, the other is softer, wiser and comes from a vast internal knowing that always directs you perfectly to balance and health. Whether it's pizza or pineapple, kale or cookies, let the wise inner voice do the choosing, and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

3. Make eating a sacred occasion.
I light a candle before my meals. I eat at the table, sometimes enjoying some relaxing music. Honor yourself and your body with a lovely environment. Creating a ritual to begin your meals, such as lighting a candle, can separate and distinguish your meals from the rest of your day, and establish a quiet sacredness to the act of eating. You deserve that!

4. Eat in silence or to soothing music.
How many of you eat in front of the TV? Or eat in frenetic, stressful home environments? Or at busy office desks? Give yourselves the gift of a pleasant, focused environment. I know for myself, this was one of the TOUGHEST ones to embrace. I was terrified to be alone with my thoughts and to be faced with the obvious disconnect I felt around food. But there's no time like the present to undo this habit, face your fears and do it anyway. Once you shine a light on your dark thoughts around food and meet them with love and understanding, they vanish in a puff of smoke. Be gentle with yourself... It's time to take a bite out of this fear of silence, and instead take a bite out of some delicious food!

5. Get the best quality available when you can.
Depending on your financial and environmental circumstances, start looking for the best quality food available to you. Last night I learned this lesson again for myself. I wanted vegetable stir-fry, but the only vegetables available were rubbery, waxy and lighter in color than normal. I could have taken the time to run in to a store around the street from my home, but I didn't. Cutting up the vegetables, I could tell they were lifeless. And once cooked, they tasted about as good as they looked. Ug. Then, to top it off, I also treated myself by buying a container of green tea ice cream. But I didn't get the brand I really wanted... something that looked decadent and rich and more expensive. I went with the simpler brand. At the end of my meal, I took a spoonful of ice cream and almost did a spit-take across the dining room table.
Before, I would have eaten it, regardless of how badly it tasted, and my desire to save money ended up costing me a pint of green tea ice cream sitting upside down in my trashcan. But now I'm enjoying buying less, but buying better quality foods. I enjoy good dark chocolate. I enjoy gourmet cheeses. I enjoy fresh-baked breads. I enjoy locally grown foods. They say we are what we eat, and I find this to be true. Does it feel good eating meats that come from sad and unhealthy animals who spend tortured lives in small cages? Can we tell the difference between canned vegetables vs. a beautiful green bouquet of fresh collard greens? It's not to say that we should spend more than we have. But within our limits, what's the best, most delicious choice we can make?

6. Chew.
Remember, your stomach can't taste anything -- only your tongue has taste buds. So why not savor the flavor of what you're eating? Let the food melt and fill your entire mouth. When you're eating what your body's calling for, and eating when you're hungry, everything will taste so much better. And there's a side benefit to chewing. When you chew your food, it mixes with the saliva in your mouth, helping your stomach to better break down the contents of your meal. If you chew, and chew well, you'll get tons more energy from the food itself, pull out lots of vital vitamins and minerals, experience less digestive troubles and eat much less. When you take the time to slow down and chew, your body gets the time it needs to begin the digestive process and give your body the signal that it's filling up. This process takes about 20 minutes. So if your tendency is to overeat, slowing down gives you the time to listen to your own internal fullness signal. It also helps stretch out a delicious meal so you've got more time to savor the flavors!

7. Have Gratitude.
If we have issues surrounding food and eating, it stems from our disconnect from God and a deep self-hatred. Turning our attentions toward our connection to the Universe and all that's magical sets a very different tone than our normal focus on food. Experiencing gratitude throughout our lives, especially with food, is an amazing experience. It helps us to enjoy the food, but not worship it. This fixation and worship of food in the past has gotten us nothing but pain. But if we can shit our fixation and worship to something much greater, we'll feel full in a way that we may have never known. And then food can take it's place in our life... simply as something to be enjoyed and fuel our bodies, but nothing more. Some of us have given our power over to food. But at your next meal, how about approaching the plate with humble gratitude? How amazing a gift to have such great food, a roof over our heads, and air to breath. The basics of life, and we've go 'em! Appreciating and honoring the simple things in our lives can expand our hearts, allowing more and more magic to flood in. Now THAT'S yummy!

8. Have fun!
Watch a child eat. Just watch them! They touch, rub, smush, mash, swirl and twirl their food. When's the last time YOU did this? When's the last time you lost all etiquette and juggled grapes or made smiley faces in your mashed potatoes? How did eating get so serious for us adults? Couldn't this world, in all areas, use a little lightening up? Imagine what the world might be like if George Bush played "airplane" with his green beans... and just imagine how things would be if all our world leaders built tee pees with their pancakes... Today, promise me that you will be silly. Downright childish. Life's too short to take something like food so seriously!

9. Share with a friend.
Throughout the centuries, food has been a focal point when coming together with one's we love. Celebrate your relationships by sharing a meal. People in our lives are precious. And food is precious. So bring two yummy things together and cherish all life's abundance with a good friend and a good meal.

10. Stop when you're full.
Yes, that's right... STOP. And that's the tough part, which is why I saved it for last. I've spent a lifetime on this piece of the puzzle, and it can be a challenge for sure. But there's nothing more satisfying (no pun intended) than to walk away from a meal feeling comfortably full and energized. Honor your body and all it's done for you by not stuffing it to the gills. Never you fear - you'll be hungry again in no time, and you can enjoy another meal of whatever foods you desire. Fill yourself up with love, passion and a deepening spiritual life.

And if you find that all the above suggestions fall flat for you, or seem to be insurmountable obstacles, try looking into The Work of Byron Katie (www.thework.org) which can help you deal with the beliefs that come up that are getting in the way of your success. Once these blocks in your belief system are moved aside, you can more easily move forward and make positive shifts in your life.

We'll continue this topic of food and body image over the coming months. Any suggestions, questions, or requests surrounding this topic, please post them here and we will cover them in future "My Cup of Chi" postings.

Here's to your heart's true nourishment!

Stephanie